The PickUp Artist, Part 1

On any given night, single girls in this other city have a melee of choices at the bar. You know of whom I speak. There’s your hipsters, farmer browns, financials, bad boys, wannabe’s, and even the B & T’s… You don’t necessarily look for Mr. Right, but hope you don’t meet another Mr. Absofuckinglutelywrong.

But when out at the bars, there’s one special type of man that you’ll continually encounter. This man gets his dating advice from other men wearing fuzzy hats and goggles. Yes ladies, I speak of the PickUp Artist and here’s part one of a how to on spotting them:

Rule 1: The Neg

One evening, Kim and I were hanging out at new Polk hotspot, Kozy Kar. It was early in the week and the place was nice and empty. In walks a group of boys, collared shirts, dress pants and general rowdiness hinting at their financial district background. The boys start walking over to our side of the bar, one catches my eye and immediately starts in with his line:

PU Artist: Nice hat. Seriously, that's the nicest hat that I've seen on a girl tonight. (Pause) Too bad your shoes are kinda lame"

Me: Excuse me? I think my shoes are pretty ok.

PU Artist: (Proceeds to lift my foot, points to my shoe) Umm, are you sure about that?

Me: (Yanking foot out of his hand, scooching over on the couch to distance myself)

PU Artist: (Not getting message) Oh I get it, you borrowed your hat from your stylish friend over there (Points to Kim).

Me: (Eye roll, turn my back to him)

PU Artist: (Scooches closer and proceeds to put arm around me)

Me: Don’t touch me.

PU Artist: What? (Truly perplexed look on face) Why aren't you talking to me? The pickup artist said this would work!

Me: It's not working! (Jump up almost onto Kim and exit bar before PU artist goes for Rule 2)

And that ladies, is the Neg. Compliment one thing and then diss another with the hope that it will spark interest and attraction. Smart ladies unite and when you hear a man use this strategy, go tell them to fuck themselves, please. Otherwise, how will they know that it doesn't work?

PickUp artists of the world be warned. We know you're out there and we're watching...